Below are the 15 most recent journal entries recorded in crazypacman's LiveJournal:

Thursday, June 9th, 2005
3:11 pm	loooooong the last time i posted was in november. i want to start posting again. maybe i will. mostly just to keep in touch with the m2 familia. Current Mood: blah (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 4th, 2004
9:40 pm	narc hey everyone. it has been a while since i have written anything here. not much has been going on since i last journaled. the musical is finally over, and my birthday passed. school is fun, but i still hate homework. i do the work that i like to do, which is reading and studying things i enjoy. my project that i am excited about is my "epic poem" that i have been constructing in my spare time. i am really proud of what i have thusfar, and would love a chance to make a nice, typed version when it is finished. i miss the m2 family, and wish you all the best. love Media to enjoy: music- "Antics" by Interpol, "Turn on the Bright Lights" by Interpol literature, "The Inferno" by Dante, "Their Eyes Were Watching God" by Hurston Current Mood: mellow (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 12th, 2004
1:51 pm	entry i am putting off my homework, so i guess i should update. everything is going relatively well. theatre is going ok, but it is still very frusterating at times, and the directors make me angry when they dont pay attention to what i am doing on stage. i dont like wasting time there, and i want to get to work right away so that i can leave, but that is not how it goes at fort collins tower theatre. i will be glad when the show is over, and i look forward to the performances. i have been writing a lot of poetry lately, and that has been an excellent vent for me. school is good, and i dont worry about it anymore, which is something i had a problem with in the past. i am bascially enjoying life day by day, and stuff is going really good. not great, not bad, just really good, and that is a great place to be. liz is doing well, and we are growing everyday we are together. i am proud of her and myself, and she is the most important person to me. there is something eeirly unique about how we connect considering how different we are. we can still get along dispite these differences, which amazes me everyday. she is great, and this relationship can only grow, which is good. life is good right now. Media to enjoy: Music: "Winners Never Quit" by Pedro the Lion, "The Ugly Organ" by Cursive, "Where You Want to Be" by Taking Back Sunday(this is a very good screamo album, and it is verging on becoming one of my top three screamo albums of all time. check it out!) Cinema "Three Kings" "Suicide Club" Literature: "Canto for CCX" by Ezra Pound Current Mood: good (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 7th, 2004
6:18 pm	it has been awhile thanks to an email from gale, i decided to post again. a lot has happened since my last post. school is going pretty good, and i enjoy learning more than ever. i still hate homework, and dont really do it too much. i am the lead in the musical, which is exciting and kind of bad at the same time. i didn't really want it, and i think there could have been better choices. it will be fun when we perform, but now it kind of sucks. the band is doing well, and we have been writing. i am thinking of starting a side project that is more emo based, simply because isaac is not around as much, so i could have more free time to play with other people. my priority is still with whelk though, and i am not leaving them anytime soon. things with me and liz are going pretty well. we are growing and progressing in every aspect of our relationship, and the knowledge i have gained is priceless. this love is eerily real, and i never thought i could experience something like this in high school. i am extremely proud of the both of us, and have a feeling that we will be together for a lot longer. our six month aniversary is in october, and that is a big accomplishment for both of us. true love has changed me, and i really need her and she needs me, which is a great feeling. i miss the m2 household, and hope all of you are doing well. i have been writing a lot of poetry of late, which i have not done for a few years. other than that, i have been up to the same old stuff. reading, listening to music, watching movies, playing guitar, other crap. to all of the m2's, i love and miss you all. i will start posting more. Media to enjoy: Music: "Where You Want To Be" by Taking Back Sunday - "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge" by My Chemical Romance - "Is This Desire" by PJ Harvey Cinema: "Pi", "The Jerk" Current Mood: artistic (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 30th, 2004
10:14 pm	the best quiz i was not too happy with my last quiz, and i had a great idea for a new one. these are two different questions. 1.who are you? 2.why? that is all Media to Enjoy: Album: "Call the Doctor" by Sleater-Kinney and "Veni Vidi Vicious" by the Hives Cinema: Memento Current Mood: satisfied (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 29th, 2004
9:07 pm	my quiz i have seen a trend in internet journal quizzes that see what people have to say about some other person. i have decided to make up my own quiz. it is pretty short 1.who are you 2.what do you know about yourself 3.why is that important 4.how do you define knowledge 5.what is love to you that is all Media to Enjoy: Album: "Morning View" by Incubus Cinema: "Aileen:The Life and Death of a Serial Killer" and "Lost in Translation" Current Mood: creative (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 26th, 2004
7:52 pm	what sometimes liz says that she thinks that i am "done with this planet," by which she means that i am either very wise or so lost that i need to go somewhere else. sometimes i feel like i am too in touch with myself, and that scares me alot. i get impulses that make no sense, and acting on them is comforting and nerveracking. i guess i am just writing what i feel and think. how often do the people i care about wonder about me. not just liz, even though that is a very important person to me. like the band, isaacs family, my friends, family. do they understand where i come from, and why do i wonder if they do at all. does any of it matter. is music as important as my mind makes it. does education really matter if you are not doing what you want. maybe i think too much, and being so inquisitive just comes off as crazy or unsatisfied. life is glorious, but why. i know that i will do what i have to do, and nothing will get in my way. i know that more pain will come, and i will have to give up things that are important to me at some point in my life. is it unusual to realize these things and accept them at my age. and in the end, my memories will be what i have, and those are really what life is about to me. more often than not, i feel like i am done with this planet. i have found my passion, true love, family sanity. and dont think that i think i have it all figured out, because i will be the first to say that i dont. i just wonder sometimes. can time be measured in relationships or memories or time spent crying or laughing. is that how a life is measured, or is it something else. feelings felt, pain endured, lives saved, hearts broken. what if there is no such thing as purpose, and we mask ourselves with false feelings and ideas. what if they are so true and real that if we experienced them in full, our hearts and minds would cease to be. what if everything i said is bullshit, and life is about accomplishments and recognition. and college. and money. and taxes. and profit. i hope that my life will make an impact on someone, anyone. i want to be remembered for so many things. for living pure. for loving true. for being me. i want to live with my memories, and hold them. would total euphoria feel as good as i feel now. would total horror feel as bad as i do now. i dont know. do i know as much as i think. do i know more than everyone. do i know nothing at all. i know that love is real. i know that for sure. that must always be true. Current Mood: weird (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 11th, 2004
8:16 pm	whatever something is missing. i am worried about the band and wish that the situation with them was less complicated or something. i dont know, but i do know that i need to band practice to get out some frustration and just do what i need to do and make music. i really want to go see liz in jersey, and my mom said that it would be cool, so i am waiting to hear from her so i can get in contact with her. at this point i think that it would be the best option for me during the summer, and i feel the need to get out of this town and experience a little bit of something different. right now, i do not want to change for the band as much as they think i should. i am tired of always being responsible and trying to hold stuff together. it is a drag sometimes. i am not saying that i am the only responsible one, but it feels like that a lot of the time. i suppose that is what this relationship will entail, and if i want to be a part of it, i have to find a way to deal a little better. if they ask me one more time about a job in an inconsiderate way, or ask as if that is my only contribution to the band, i feel like i might snap and do something stupid. the more people bug me about it, the less i want to get a job, and the more i want to say fuck off and start pointing out their faults or something. it makes me so angry. why should it matter if i can get ahold of enough money to help pay for band stuff, or come up with an amp, or manage to pay for gas to make it to practice. it doesn't make sense to me, and that is not to say that i dont think that i need a job. i know that i need to work, but until my expenses start becoming an unbearable burden, or i start wanting way more stuff, i should not be rushed into this job search like i feel i have been. i need to get out of town. i really hope i get to go to jersey, and i think that will help me clear my head some. thanks to gale for the book. i started reading a few days ago, and although i am not a big fan of all the religious talk, it is nice to see another perspective on life from someone who seems like a pretty smart person. i know that when i finish it, i will have taken something away. i seriously doubt that i will have a religious change of heart, but i know it will give me a different way to think about some stuff. thanks again. Media to enjoy: Album: "Phantom Planet" by Phantom Planet (just because they sing that california song from the o.c. doesn't mean they dont rock. it is one of my alltime favorite albums.) Current Mood: tired (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 7th, 2004
5:11 pm	stuff i am so distraught. i am getting very frusterated with whelk and how things are going. those guys are rapidly losing my trust and faith, and it hurts so much. i cannot stand anymore. the accusations and the lack of thoughtfullness when it comes to each other is embarrasing and very sad. i am mad that i have thought as much about quitting as i have. lately it has been occupying my mind, and i keep trying to rationalize staying, and the reasons are becoming fewer and fewer. i love all of them, but it is still hard. i am mad that they are on my ass so much to get a job. the inscentive for me to get one shrinks everytime they fight or act irresponsibly. i dont think that not having a job means i am not being responsible enough to be in the band, but that is the impression i get from nuk and isaac. i wish things were better. my sister came downstairs, i might finish later. Media to enjoy: Album: "Heavier Things" by John Mayer Current Mood: disappointed (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 5th, 2004
9:14 pm	my brain purpose is something that always drives me crazy, but sometimes it is a good thing. i always wonder if my purpose is happening to me right now, or if i will have to wait. i wonder if i know about how life really is and how it works. life is so spectacular in so many ways, and it is so corrupt in so many ways. it boggles my mind, and i had to write what i was thinking. what if live a certain amount of lives on earth, and then when you have reached a state of nirvana, you try to achieve the same in a whole new atmosphere. what if one religion is right and all of the others are totally wrong. what if everything we do repercusses throughout the entire galaxy. what if our existence means nothing at all, and we preoccupy ourselves with pointless hobbies and emotions to hide the fact that our lives are completely mundane. what if. that is a great question. should i become a defiant socialist minimalist, or a conservative businessman. i dont know. can a person really trust their instincts. do people have instincts that are truly their own. i guess i just wanted to provide some insight into my head. i think these questions are rhetorical. yes, because if someone knew the answers, then it would have already been answered. right. it is important to really think about life, and learn.learn alot. i dont know Media to enjoy: Album: "Full Collapse" by Thursday Current Mood: thoughtful (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 1st, 2004
12:28 am	entry i have been thinking a lot about life lately, and it is really driving me crazy. i am always contemplating my purpose and wondering if i am doing things that are true to myself. i kind of decided to avoid drugs, alcohal, tattoos, piercings, and meat in order to maintain a more pure self. and even though i think that is a good idea, lately i feel like i am missing out on stuff by making a pretty enlightening decision about myself so early in my life. i kind of want to get a tattoo, or get totally wasted, or be totally stupid and unresponsible. but then i remember that i would like to be seen as an individual, and all of those things in my mind have become symbols of conformity. i dont know. i guess my head is a little mixed up at this point. family life is still sub par. i gave up again to my mother, and just stopped fighting completely. she still cannot understand what her problems are, dispite my repeated attempts to tell her. she cannot change. my therapist said that she sees this pattern in me, and whenever my mother plays the role of defenseless parent, i save her from being hurt and take the pain myself. i did it again, but the way it happened was a little more subtle, so it took me a while to realize what i did. i am tired of fighting, and every day i live in this house, i get a little more frusterated and sad. my mom is a very selfish and childish person. my sister is really making me mad. she has developed a typical teenage attitude that consists of laziness, being inconsiderate of anyone else, not responding to questions she is asked, and changing the boundaries as she sees fit. sometimes my mom and my sister seem like the same person to me. it does help knowing that my friends are usually a place of sanctuary, but i do wish liz was not gone. this time it hurts a lot more for some reason. it is a feeling like i have a huge hole in my stomach, and just thinking about her, or seeing somewhere we have been makes that feeling ensue. i need to get out of town or something. i need to have time to think and actually finish my thoughts. or maybe i just need more hobbies. thanks for listening. Media to enjoy: Album: "Talkie Walkie" by Air Cinema: "Psycho" Current Mood: empty (Comment on this)
Monday, June 28th, 2004
10:28 pm	journal entry today was a day. i felt kind of bad when i left after the band took photos to go and see liz. i just felt that in my heart that was where i needed to be, and i dont feel guilty about following my instinct. i just hope that everyone understands and knows that i try my hardest no to choose between the two. it has just been hard on me with her being gone as much as she has. i dont want anyone to feel like i put them on the backburner because i was not interested or enthused about todays project. i just felt wrong because i was not with her, and that was where i needed to be. she is leaving tomorrow, and it was extremely important that i say goodbye and spend a little time with her. i just wanted to say that i would never leave a situation like that unless it was really important to me and it was something i felt like i had to do. i love all of you, and i truly mean that. Media to enjoy: Album- "The Bends" by Radiohead Cinema- " Farenheit 9/11" Literature- "I Dream of Microwaves" by Imad Rahman Current Mood: sad (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004
11:42 pm	life it was an enlightening day in a bad sense.i went to see my therapist and found out that my mother stopped seeing her therapist when the two of us were in a rebuilding mode of our relationship. we had an arguement last week, and the repercussions of it finally hit me today. she will not change to help the relationship, and if i am the only part of her life that is not working right, then i should get out of the way. i think her exact words were, "if you cannot accept the way i am, then get out of my way" it really sucks being in this house. i feel like me and my mother are not even related, and that is weird. she will not compromise for me. she gets on my ass about having safe sex if me and liz decide to, and she always assumes that if we are alone, all we are going to do is have sex. she interferes with that relationship and i do not like it. yet, if her and bill are having sex, which they are now doing frequently while i am at home, i cannot nag her about safe sex or whatever. she cherishes her relationship with bill and kate and even bill's kids more than her relationship with me. i mean, why would she postpone therapy when we were on the verge of a breakthrough. i will tell you why, she got breast implants. she chose breasts over our relationship, and it hurts a lot. she sacrifices for my sister and not me. she will postpone one of her hair appointments for my sister to get her hair done, but she refused to do so when i asked her to do that for me. she has changed her mind so much on the dreadlock issue that i don't even want them anymore. any chance she can get to make them sound like a hassle or a chore, she takes. i wish things were different. i am so jealous of isaac's family. that atmosphere just feels so much better than my current one, which is probably why i have been spending so much time there. i hope isaac knows what he has and is grateful. i need liz to come back. i need that comfort in my life so much right now. even if i only see her for a few minutes, it will make the few weeks after that a little more bearable. i guess i need some time to think. Media to enjoy album- "Uh Huh Her" by PJ Harvey Current Mood: listless (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 21st, 2004
9:21 pm	journal entry i am really happy and proud of the work we did on our live album. the show was extremely fun and i think it was the most fun i had personally at a show. liz called today from germany, but i didn't receive the call because i was helping to make the album, which is fine. i miss her so much. she means so much to me and i am glad to have her. i really hope that we get to see each other when she comes back from europe, because she is leaving almost immediately after for new jersey. i love her, and want her to experience as much as possible, but at this moment, i suppose i am feeling a bit lonely. it doesn't help that i am listening to "liz " from the starlight show. i feel little weird about writing this and knowing people can read it, but i hope that people understand and i guess sympathize. aside from the absence of liz, everything else in life is going stellar. sammer Current Mood: lonely (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 19th, 2004
10:39 pm	first entry i sure hope that this thing works. i am stoked for the show at the starlight tomorrow and i hope that we play for ourselves and not the audience. i am so proud of our new song, entitled "Burma". i really think that it will get a stellar reaction. i am glad that the band has grown so much musically, and it is extremely gratifying to look back and see the progress. i realize that isaac and his family are probably the only people that will ever read this, so i love you all and daryl too. sammer Media to enjoy literature- "Shopgirl" by Steve Martin movies- "Elephant" "Requiem for a Dream" music- "Youth and Young Manhood" by Kings of Leon. "LLOR N KCOR" by Ryan Adams. Current Mood: geeky (2 Comments |Comment on this)